Episode 12: Release from Anxiety
Music - "Amazing Grace" - John Newton - Piano by Jessica Roemischer
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts & Stitcher
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts & Stitcher
I find that I often awaken in the morning feeling a foreboding, a kind of underlying fear and uncertainty. Perhaps you experience something similar? There may be real issues I have to face but, as I look at the actual circumstances of my life now, it’s more like there’s an operating system running in the background - one that’s unsettled, that’s driven by anxiety--and it can be subtle, or not so subtle. And I find that as the day unfolds, little things that might otherwise seem minor, ignite this background level of anxiety into a more acute sense of fear.
So, amidst these feelings of anxiety, it’s often difficult to gain objectivity. It’s often hard to know if I really should be fearful, or if the reality is that, I’m okay and everything will work out. I can’t quite get a handle on it. And so, a few days ago, I decided to talk to God, and to my dearest daddy--my dad, whom I’m feeling so close and near, mysteriously present, in the wake of his passing. It occurred to me to ask them to please advise me, to please open my heart and mind to what’s real, and to ask, is it possible to resolve this underlying feeling of anxiety now and ongoingly.
So, as on most mornings, I walked out to the headland overlooking the ocean. It’s there, sitting on a bench, the water stretching out to the horizon, that a kind of calmness comes over me, and a receptivity. That bench has become a special and spiritual place--where I seem to most easily feel, and connect with, the presence of God, and nowadays, with my dearest daddy.
It’s there that I’ll open up a question and see what comes. I'll await the answer.
So, as I was sitting on my bench, this is what I asked…
My dearest God and my dearest Dad, please help me. Can you advise me about the anxiety that I feel, and that I carry so much of? It feels like it's there, always underneath the surface. Can you tell me what I need to know about it, and how I can resolve and release myself from this feeling?
How can I do it? Is it even possible?
And as I was sitting there, this is the message that came to me…
“Dearest one of our heart, whom we love, and hold and cherish, whom we adore so, so much. You’re so right in asking this question, you're looking ahead in a good way…you're wanting to know. And you must start with a truth, and that truth is that you’re been wrongly done by in the times gone by. And the things that have caused you to be anxious in the first place, yes, they have been there.
But, these experiences have simply not of your making! It's as simple as that.
Believe us, our dearest one, the truth of this is all you need to know. And this truth shall set you free!
I asked, incredulous...
Is that all there is to it, dear God and my dearest daddy? To realize that the things which led me to feel anxious were not caused by me,
were not of my making, were not my fault? In a way, I see that, at least intellectually. And yet, I'm intrigued. There must be something to what you're saying...
And they responded…
“Yes, believe us please, because as, and when you do, you’ll find a kind of rare footing, a coming of age, we say to you - a kind of rare and blessed freedom will abound. And, believe it or not, it’s not what any of us down on this earthly plane actually think, and see and understand. So, so, so many people feel otherwise, they feel that the cause of their grief was somehow due to them! And they may feel this in a deep way, in a way they don't even realize. But believe us now, it’s not at all the case, not at all!!! And that’s why this kind of freedom and ease and perspective is so rare.
"So please know that nothing now shall stop you anymore. That kind of freedom is what we’re talking about. So go forth knowing that, because when you feel that anxiety, without your even realizing it, there's this underlying thought, indeed, belief, that somehow you were to blame. But, it’s not what you’re thinking when you feel th at anxiety, and that’s why this understanding is so rare and radical. So go forth knowing just how much our love shall sustain you!!! That’s the plan, that’s the key, that’s the light. That’s what it’s all going to mean in the end! Okay, dearest one?
And then I responded...Okay, dearest God, and my dearest daddy, I think I understand now, Okay!
I looked out at the water coming in waves towards the rocky shore. The tide was high, and sheets of effervescence rose up as each wave hit the rocks. And the waves, 15 or 20 feet high in the air, were curtains of frothing mist, blue-green, with foaming at the top as they reached their peak, their maximum height!
And as I continued to look, I glimpsed a huge ocean liner appearing on the horizon, its outlines becoming visible in the thick ocean air, and it was approaching, but slowly, almost imperceptibly coming closer and closer. And little cabin cruisers dotted the vast expanse of blue water, too. Indeed, this was the first blue sky in days and its magnificence was palpable. The wind had turned from gale force northeasterly, to a gentle easterly sea breeze. So I could sit comfortably there on my bench and ponder the sea!
And then I continued my question...
My dearest God and my dearest Daddy, I feel that more is there to understand and be told about this - about this rare understanding!
“Well, indeed our dearest one, indeed! Because here on this earth, life isn’t finite, though it might seem so, it’s not - it stretches far beyond, beyond what’s seen - far, far beyond, and all this fear and anxiety is what’s keeping it “stuck” so to speak. “Stuck” is the word because freedom from fear is all that’s needed to quench the longing for love, and for what’s under the surface now waiting to be revealed!!!
“So go forth knowing that, that place there, waiting to come forth, waiting there, like the whales and the dolphins and all the beautiful sunshine-y sea creatures of this place, longing for loving recognition and growth, growing as you are into a new way of being, a new freedom, we say, from fear. That’s the key, and the tool, and the edge - or knowing place - where all shall be found, and loved, and cherished and held - held, we say, in OUR loving arms and in yours and in each one’s place on this earth. Okay, our heart, our dearest daughter?”
I marveled..
That’s beautiful, my dearest God and my dearest Daddy - that’s beautiful!
“Indeed it is! Now go and find the reality to which we’re leading you, go forth and know the love that’s there as you stroll along your days, now and forever into the future life of ours here - here and now - here, our dearest one and now, and beyond, too, beyond.
Bliss shall abound and you’ll come home, like that ship coming towards the shore.”
And, indeed as I looked up, I saw the great ocean liner and it had halved the distance since I’d glimpsed it last, heading to the harbor. And the waves continued to crash up, high and frothing. And then I looked at my feet and there, on the stones, a little sea lizard appeared near me, hoping, I think, to see if I’d give him, or her, a crumb or two - its little tongue moving in and out, I think in hopeful longing!
So, as I sat there on my bench witnessing all this, hearing this message and contemplating it, there in this special place that’s now revealed itself to be my haven, my place where the depth of the oceans and its sea creatures lay out before me and the sky stretches farther than my eyes can see. As I was contemplating all this--this message from God and from my dearest daddy, I felt a kind of quality, an innocence, and it's the same feeling as I began to feel with my daddy close and near, since his passing - something that’s so fine and present and sublime and abiding, a feeling that precedes time and history, one’s own history, and all of history.
And I thought, that’s the whole thing right there, that quality of love, that’s the very essence of who each of us is! That quality and as I think of it, and the message that’s come, I pondered the fact that hurt and the tragic things that happen, the things that impact us, and find that place and injure that quality, that love…that’s how we then become anxious. We wonder, will it happen again? I don’t know, it might! And then, I can see in my life how I’ve become on guard, how that love can vanish into the darkness, hiding under the surface. And then there’s a kind of tragic longing for it that’s not really understood, a tragic longing and sadness for something one’s lost, but not consciously, and in all that, a kind of fear and anxiety and uncertainty...was it me? Was it my fault this all happened? All of what drove my innocence underground and into hiding? Was it me, was it I who caused that?
That’s the tragedy of life, I thought. Of ignorance and harm and even in writing, or saying, that word, I can feel it--“harm.”
And then I was thinking about Mr. Rogers--Fred Rogers, the man who began, back in the 1960’s, his own children’s TV show…I didn’t watch it much when I was a child - there was something that I couldn’t relate to back then. But now, all these decades later, a new appreciation for this man and his show and the effects of his love for children, and on all those who watched his show, has been kindled.
And I recently saw a video from the late 1960’s when Mr. Rogers was there, in the United States Senate, talking to all these senators, appealing to them to not cut funding for the public television stations, which sponsored his show. And he went off script. After briefly talking about the numbers of people who were watching, the cost, and things like that, he began to conjure the feeling of a child. He began to talk about the ‘inner drama’ of the child, as he called it, the ‘inner needs’ of children, and of a little boy who’d written a poem about his feeling of anger and hurt. There in the Senate, Mr. Rogers began reading a poem inspired by that little boy, and all of this particularly touched the Senator to whom he was speaking. Mr. Rogers went to the heart of the matter, the heart of each of us, the experience that any of us might have in those earliest years - the experiences that drive our innocence into hiding and make us feel hurt or angry or sad - the experiences that can so easily happens to any of us. The experiences that we were never the cause of!
So, as I was pondering all this there on my bench, and talking to my dearest God and to my dearest Daddy, I realized that I could let that anxiety and fear be, I could let it begin to heal, of its own nature and accord, over time, and I recalled a conversation with God and my dearest dad shortly after my dad had passed. They had reassured me, that I could let their love and their guiding presence relax and release me. That their kindness and love was all I needed.
This is what they'd said to me, a few weeks ago, and this is what I recalled...
"Dearest one whom we love and cherish, it’s all there in the very calm and simple fact of our kindness, to and for you, and that kindness shall heal you and make you whole. It’s so, so, so easeful and that’s all you need to know. Now you’re home, whole, healthy, and you’ll see just how easy it is now to let go, because of this very real kindness--this kindling feeling in you, and for you. So whenever you feel deeply afraid, or even just a little bit, you can call on our love, kindling within you, and that’s all that’s ever necessary! So, it’s all very real, and so beautiful, so truly beautiful! So go now and enjoy whatever you do! Because here in this land of the living, there’s all the space in the world to hold on anywhere, everywhere and you see shall find, that’s how you’ll come out and into the open! Out and there for all to see!”
So all this is what came to me as I prayed to God and to my dear dad yesterday, sitting on my bench overlooking the sea....
A prayer that revealed the truth about the essence of who I am - of who each of us is - and how it can come back, come back, and be here, like the sea, open and present and free and here, here, here…
Music - "Amazing Grace" by John Newton - arranged and performed by Jessica
So, amidst these feelings of anxiety, it’s often difficult to gain objectivity. It’s often hard to know if I really should be fearful, or if the reality is that, I’m okay and everything will work out. I can’t quite get a handle on it. And so, a few days ago, I decided to talk to God, and to my dearest daddy--my dad, whom I’m feeling so close and near, mysteriously present, in the wake of his passing. It occurred to me to ask them to please advise me, to please open my heart and mind to what’s real, and to ask, is it possible to resolve this underlying feeling of anxiety now and ongoingly.
So, as on most mornings, I walked out to the headland overlooking the ocean. It’s there, sitting on a bench, the water stretching out to the horizon, that a kind of calmness comes over me, and a receptivity. That bench has become a special and spiritual place--where I seem to most easily feel, and connect with, the presence of God, and nowadays, with my dearest daddy.
It’s there that I’ll open up a question and see what comes. I'll await the answer.
So, as I was sitting on my bench, this is what I asked…
My dearest God and my dearest Dad, please help me. Can you advise me about the anxiety that I feel, and that I carry so much of? It feels like it's there, always underneath the surface. Can you tell me what I need to know about it, and how I can resolve and release myself from this feeling?
How can I do it? Is it even possible?
And as I was sitting there, this is the message that came to me…
“Dearest one of our heart, whom we love, and hold and cherish, whom we adore so, so much. You’re so right in asking this question, you're looking ahead in a good way…you're wanting to know. And you must start with a truth, and that truth is that you’re been wrongly done by in the times gone by. And the things that have caused you to be anxious in the first place, yes, they have been there.
But, these experiences have simply not of your making! It's as simple as that.
Believe us, our dearest one, the truth of this is all you need to know. And this truth shall set you free!
I asked, incredulous...
Is that all there is to it, dear God and my dearest daddy? To realize that the things which led me to feel anxious were not caused by me,
were not of my making, were not my fault? In a way, I see that, at least intellectually. And yet, I'm intrigued. There must be something to what you're saying...
And they responded…
“Yes, believe us please, because as, and when you do, you’ll find a kind of rare footing, a coming of age, we say to you - a kind of rare and blessed freedom will abound. And, believe it or not, it’s not what any of us down on this earthly plane actually think, and see and understand. So, so, so many people feel otherwise, they feel that the cause of their grief was somehow due to them! And they may feel this in a deep way, in a way they don't even realize. But believe us now, it’s not at all the case, not at all!!! And that’s why this kind of freedom and ease and perspective is so rare.
"So please know that nothing now shall stop you anymore. That kind of freedom is what we’re talking about. So go forth knowing that, because when you feel that anxiety, without your even realizing it, there's this underlying thought, indeed, belief, that somehow you were to blame. But, it’s not what you’re thinking when you feel th at anxiety, and that’s why this understanding is so rare and radical. So go forth knowing just how much our love shall sustain you!!! That’s the plan, that’s the key, that’s the light. That’s what it’s all going to mean in the end! Okay, dearest one?
And then I responded...Okay, dearest God, and my dearest daddy, I think I understand now, Okay!
I looked out at the water coming in waves towards the rocky shore. The tide was high, and sheets of effervescence rose up as each wave hit the rocks. And the waves, 15 or 20 feet high in the air, were curtains of frothing mist, blue-green, with foaming at the top as they reached their peak, their maximum height!
And as I continued to look, I glimpsed a huge ocean liner appearing on the horizon, its outlines becoming visible in the thick ocean air, and it was approaching, but slowly, almost imperceptibly coming closer and closer. And little cabin cruisers dotted the vast expanse of blue water, too. Indeed, this was the first blue sky in days and its magnificence was palpable. The wind had turned from gale force northeasterly, to a gentle easterly sea breeze. So I could sit comfortably there on my bench and ponder the sea!
And then I continued my question...
My dearest God and my dearest Daddy, I feel that more is there to understand and be told about this - about this rare understanding!
“Well, indeed our dearest one, indeed! Because here on this earth, life isn’t finite, though it might seem so, it’s not - it stretches far beyond, beyond what’s seen - far, far beyond, and all this fear and anxiety is what’s keeping it “stuck” so to speak. “Stuck” is the word because freedom from fear is all that’s needed to quench the longing for love, and for what’s under the surface now waiting to be revealed!!!
“So go forth knowing that, that place there, waiting to come forth, waiting there, like the whales and the dolphins and all the beautiful sunshine-y sea creatures of this place, longing for loving recognition and growth, growing as you are into a new way of being, a new freedom, we say, from fear. That’s the key, and the tool, and the edge - or knowing place - where all shall be found, and loved, and cherished and held - held, we say, in OUR loving arms and in yours and in each one’s place on this earth. Okay, our heart, our dearest daughter?”
I marveled..
That’s beautiful, my dearest God and my dearest Daddy - that’s beautiful!
“Indeed it is! Now go and find the reality to which we’re leading you, go forth and know the love that’s there as you stroll along your days, now and forever into the future life of ours here - here and now - here, our dearest one and now, and beyond, too, beyond.
Bliss shall abound and you’ll come home, like that ship coming towards the shore.”
And, indeed as I looked up, I saw the great ocean liner and it had halved the distance since I’d glimpsed it last, heading to the harbor. And the waves continued to crash up, high and frothing. And then I looked at my feet and there, on the stones, a little sea lizard appeared near me, hoping, I think, to see if I’d give him, or her, a crumb or two - its little tongue moving in and out, I think in hopeful longing!
So, as I sat there on my bench witnessing all this, hearing this message and contemplating it, there in this special place that’s now revealed itself to be my haven, my place where the depth of the oceans and its sea creatures lay out before me and the sky stretches farther than my eyes can see. As I was contemplating all this--this message from God and from my dearest daddy, I felt a kind of quality, an innocence, and it's the same feeling as I began to feel with my daddy close and near, since his passing - something that’s so fine and present and sublime and abiding, a feeling that precedes time and history, one’s own history, and all of history.
And I thought, that’s the whole thing right there, that quality of love, that’s the very essence of who each of us is! That quality and as I think of it, and the message that’s come, I pondered the fact that hurt and the tragic things that happen, the things that impact us, and find that place and injure that quality, that love…that’s how we then become anxious. We wonder, will it happen again? I don’t know, it might! And then, I can see in my life how I’ve become on guard, how that love can vanish into the darkness, hiding under the surface. And then there’s a kind of tragic longing for it that’s not really understood, a tragic longing and sadness for something one’s lost, but not consciously, and in all that, a kind of fear and anxiety and uncertainty...was it me? Was it my fault this all happened? All of what drove my innocence underground and into hiding? Was it me, was it I who caused that?
That’s the tragedy of life, I thought. Of ignorance and harm and even in writing, or saying, that word, I can feel it--“harm.”
And then I was thinking about Mr. Rogers--Fred Rogers, the man who began, back in the 1960’s, his own children’s TV show…I didn’t watch it much when I was a child - there was something that I couldn’t relate to back then. But now, all these decades later, a new appreciation for this man and his show and the effects of his love for children, and on all those who watched his show, has been kindled.
And I recently saw a video from the late 1960’s when Mr. Rogers was there, in the United States Senate, talking to all these senators, appealing to them to not cut funding for the public television stations, which sponsored his show. And he went off script. After briefly talking about the numbers of people who were watching, the cost, and things like that, he began to conjure the feeling of a child. He began to talk about the ‘inner drama’ of the child, as he called it, the ‘inner needs’ of children, and of a little boy who’d written a poem about his feeling of anger and hurt. There in the Senate, Mr. Rogers began reading a poem inspired by that little boy, and all of this particularly touched the Senator to whom he was speaking. Mr. Rogers went to the heart of the matter, the heart of each of us, the experience that any of us might have in those earliest years - the experiences that drive our innocence into hiding and make us feel hurt or angry or sad - the experiences that can so easily happens to any of us. The experiences that we were never the cause of!
So, as I was pondering all this there on my bench, and talking to my dearest God and to my dearest Daddy, I realized that I could let that anxiety and fear be, I could let it begin to heal, of its own nature and accord, over time, and I recalled a conversation with God and my dearest dad shortly after my dad had passed. They had reassured me, that I could let their love and their guiding presence relax and release me. That their kindness and love was all I needed.
This is what they'd said to me, a few weeks ago, and this is what I recalled...
"Dearest one whom we love and cherish, it’s all there in the very calm and simple fact of our kindness, to and for you, and that kindness shall heal you and make you whole. It’s so, so, so easeful and that’s all you need to know. Now you’re home, whole, healthy, and you’ll see just how easy it is now to let go, because of this very real kindness--this kindling feeling in you, and for you. So whenever you feel deeply afraid, or even just a little bit, you can call on our love, kindling within you, and that’s all that’s ever necessary! So, it’s all very real, and so beautiful, so truly beautiful! So go now and enjoy whatever you do! Because here in this land of the living, there’s all the space in the world to hold on anywhere, everywhere and you see shall find, that’s how you’ll come out and into the open! Out and there for all to see!”
So all this is what came to me as I prayed to God and to my dear dad yesterday, sitting on my bench overlooking the sea....
A prayer that revealed the truth about the essence of who I am - of who each of us is - and how it can come back, come back, and be here, like the sea, open and present and free and here, here, here…
Music - "Amazing Grace" by John Newton - arranged and performed by Jessica