Episode 9: A Eulogy for My Dad
This is not the podcast I’d planned to make. This podcast is a eulogy - for my dad, my dear father. You see, a few days ago I found out that my dad had passed. When I heard the news, a rush of emotions washed over me - sadness, lightness, grief, confusion. The feelings were contradictory, and I couldn't do anything to control them. And I had a sense that I shouldn’t try, I shouldn’t judge what I was experiencing or try to rein it in. My dad’s passing was so profound, that I had to let what I was feeling be, to let it have its way. Deep down, I sensed that everything I was experiencing had some meaning--that I might not altogether understand, at least not now, or not yet.
When I heard the news of my dad's passing, I was thousands of miles away, in a far-flung place near the sea. I immediately felt that I had to go to a spot that had become special to me--a bench high up on a bluff overlooking the ocean. It’s on that bench, looking out to sea, where I feel close to God, to that which is boundary-less, ineffable and deeply, deeply good.
It’s the place where I feel renewed, where I feel at peace.
So when I found out about my father, I had to go there.
When I received the news, it was morning. I left my little home shortly thereafter and arrived at my special bench. The sun had come up. Along the edge of the horizon, a great distance away, a thin line of wispy clouds floated, grey and white, seemingly weightless. Above me, the sky was clear blue. The sea sparkled in the morning light. I was facing east, the next land mass, seven thousand miles away.
Sitting there, with nothing before me but the sea and the horizon’s edge, I began to pray.
And as I did, I was overcome with grief. Alone, there on the bench, I sobbed uncontrollably.
And as I did, a prayer entered my mind.
Amidst the tears…a prayer came to me for my dear father,
“I pray, dearest dad, that you are at peace, that the angels are holding you, that you’re resting in the palm of God’s hand.”
As I cried, I kept saying those words.
And as I did all the difficulties I’d had, all the pain and hurt and disappointments of a lifetime, evaporated.
You see, when I as a young girl, my beloved daddy left me. I was just six years old. I loved him so, so much and one day, he was gone. When he left, that loss enshrouded me. It gave rise to a longing, a hunger, a sadness I couldn’t understand or explain.
And without my really knowing it, that sad longing would shape my choices for decades to come, for years and years…
To the moment that I sat down, overlooking the vast ocean, with grief washing over me,
And began to say a prayer for my dear father…
As I softly incanted the words, a heron glided by, its grey body long and lithe.
Over the sea, it sailed effortlessly as the waves moved steadily below, breaking on the rocks.
It was a little unusual, I thought, there aren’t many herons here, not like there are seagulls, and pigeons, and other squawking birds. And that’s why I noticed it. I felt something important about its presence, something that had to do with my dad.
I began to cry even more. My daddy is gone from me, the only dad I have, he’s gone from me, he’s gone.
Flooded with tears, I looked up for a moment and squinted into the distance. As I did, a puff of white appeared on the water’s surface. It was quite far away, but not so far that I couldn’t distinguish it. Then another appeared. And having lived in this place now for some time, and having sat on this bench, I’d learned what those puffs meant. That water-laden mist, blowing up and out of the water is what you see when there are whales. It’s how you know that they’re there under the surface, their huge lungs expelling air. Those puffs are the signs of them, breathing and moving in the deep.
Then as I gazed on, one whale surfaced, breaching, its wide fins visible even at a distance, and that distinctive black and white body, a humpback whale. And then there was another puff, and another, first to the left, then to the right. I cast my vision as wide as I could.
And I thought of my dad, tears running down my cheeks.
And I thought, oh my, there are so many whales, so many…And I kept thinking of my dad, too.
And I noticed a single sailboat, just that one little boat
with its white sails on the vast expanse of ocean, moving slowly in the breeze.
It was at that moment that I began to feel something. I began to sense something, like a kind of presence, but of the most ephemeral sort. I don’t know how to describe this. I can feel it as I’m speaking this to you, but what words to use? It’s a sense of something present and yet, intangible. I asked myself, what is this? What’s going on? And then it slowly came to me… I think my dad is here! I think he's come. He’s come to me over the miles and the seas. He’s found me on the other side of the earth like there's no distance. He’s found me!
And as I speak this to you now, I can feel him. And the feeling of his presence is something simple and easeful. 'Love' is the best word I can think of to describe it. But a kind of love that’s so utterly natural and present and beautiful, I’m at a loss to be able to truly express it. He was near me--but in a completely new way. It was like I was feeling the essence of who he is--something that I didn’t or couldn’t discern when he was in life, in the times we were together, and apart, over the decades. But, now, this feeling was coming to me.
And in that, EVERYTHING fell away - the past, the hurts, the memories - the painful memories, but even the good memories, too. All of it paled; it all evaporated amidst this feeling, this exquisite feeling. And in the most meaningful and poignant way, I realized--and it was a kind of instinctive knowing--that my dad had felt this for me from the very, very beginning.
This was the feeling he ALWAYS had for me.
As I was sensing my dad's presence, I began to see more puffs in the distance, and more whales, and even dolphins arcing out of the water, one and then another, in pairs. I began to imagine the ocean opening so I could peer beneath. How many of these great creatures I’d see, how many dolphins and whales swimming--a whole entire community of them there in the depths!
And as I observed these creatures of the ocean, I kept feeling my dad close and near. Feeling my daddy’s presence, mysterious and compelling, and I began to contemplate....
God has deemed that we come into the world through the people who conceive us, two parents.
That’s simply the way it is.
God the Father and His love. And now, my dear father and his love,
sublime and unspeakably beautiful.
And this feeling is why parents are God-given to us.
So as I was sitting there, feeling all this, my tears of grief began to turn to tears of joy.
And I began to sense something in the cells of my body, like my cells--my body in its very substance--was being completed.
It was being completed and made whole because of my dad’s presence and his love.
I was coming to rest in myself. I was finally becoming myself.
Way back when I was young, my life stretching out before me, still unknown and waiting to be discovered--but fraught with confusion and pain--I wrote a poem. I was 14 years old. And it's about rising from the depths of the ocean to finally find the air, the freedom, to find one’s self home. I hadn’t thought of that poem for some time, but sitting there, feeling my daddy’s presence and watching the whales,
I remembered it.
Here is a part of that poem. It's called, "The Sea."
"Down in the depths...
Glowing in the emerald sea-light,
The carbonations sweep 'round me
Traveling as one.
Only that I may live in their caressing whirlpools...
As I do, my thoughts bounce among the playful bubbles.
I wish to touch every one,
To hold each illuminated globe.
But still, I must seek finality in one single, special sphere.
And with it, sanctuary from the searching, swirling currents.
Enclosing it, finding the warmth of its rainbow radiance.
I add my glow to the illumination.
I enclose it, and become enclosed,
And with the tiny pocket of sea breeze,
Rise steadily to the surface."
As I recalled that poem, I contemplated the translucent blue-green stillness of the ocean’s depths. And I contemplated the feeling of my daddy’s love, abiding and reassuring, like that pocket of sea breeze.
As I sat on that bench, feeling my dad so close and near, I recalled his life and mine. For a few moments, my mind conjured past events and memories. But no words or images, or even memories, could do justice to what I was feeling with him now. I began to think--the essence of a person is so sublimely beautiful, that nothing can approximate or express it.
And then I thought of the Jewish religion, which is my lineage, through my father and mother, and I recalled how it’s forbidden to create images of God, or even to spell out His name. I contemplated that…because God’s nature is beyond words, beyond images. Nothing can approach or describe Him, his nature is infinite and sublime. And God has created us in his own likeness. That’s our nature, too!
My dearest dad was revealing this to me, in his bringing
to me this feeling, so beautiful and near.
So, after hearing of my dad’s passing, in my far-flung place on the earth, this is what happened--everything I've described to you here. My dad has come, he’s come to me. And now I can feel in my heart that my dad loved me from the very, very beginning. And for that my dearest Dad, I am eternally grateful. Your presence and your love are completing me, the greatest gift I can imagine, the gift of coming home to myself, so I can rise from the depths in the way I’d sensed was possible all those years ago.
And as I sat on my bench, overlooking the sparkling ocean, the waves a translucent blue-green, crashing below, one after the other, over the rocks, as I watched the whales from there upon the high cliff, their puffs of moist sea-breath appearing,
I began to feel that heaven is right here on this earth, in the feeling my father has brought,
and in all that’s spread out before me.
And there on that cliff, I began to imagine, what if the whole world felt this. What if no matter the circumstances or pain or hurt or past, we could see the truth of who each of us truly is--a human being cast in the likeness of God,
made of a kind of love that’s unspeakably beautiful.
So, I'll end with a piece of music. Of all the pieces I’ve played on the piano, my daddy’s favorite is called, “Canon in D.” It’s by a composer named Johan Pachelbel. Perhaps you know it, or will recognize it when you hear it. That is my dad’s very favorite one. He loves it so much, and he'd always ask me to play it for him. And so, here is that beautiful piece, played for my dearest dad, whom I cherish beyond measure, now and forever more…
When I heard the news of my dad's passing, I was thousands of miles away, in a far-flung place near the sea. I immediately felt that I had to go to a spot that had become special to me--a bench high up on a bluff overlooking the ocean. It’s on that bench, looking out to sea, where I feel close to God, to that which is boundary-less, ineffable and deeply, deeply good.
It’s the place where I feel renewed, where I feel at peace.
So when I found out about my father, I had to go there.
When I received the news, it was morning. I left my little home shortly thereafter and arrived at my special bench. The sun had come up. Along the edge of the horizon, a great distance away, a thin line of wispy clouds floated, grey and white, seemingly weightless. Above me, the sky was clear blue. The sea sparkled in the morning light. I was facing east, the next land mass, seven thousand miles away.
Sitting there, with nothing before me but the sea and the horizon’s edge, I began to pray.
And as I did, I was overcome with grief. Alone, there on the bench, I sobbed uncontrollably.
And as I did, a prayer entered my mind.
Amidst the tears…a prayer came to me for my dear father,
“I pray, dearest dad, that you are at peace, that the angels are holding you, that you’re resting in the palm of God’s hand.”
As I cried, I kept saying those words.
And as I did all the difficulties I’d had, all the pain and hurt and disappointments of a lifetime, evaporated.
You see, when I as a young girl, my beloved daddy left me. I was just six years old. I loved him so, so much and one day, he was gone. When he left, that loss enshrouded me. It gave rise to a longing, a hunger, a sadness I couldn’t understand or explain.
And without my really knowing it, that sad longing would shape my choices for decades to come, for years and years…
To the moment that I sat down, overlooking the vast ocean, with grief washing over me,
And began to say a prayer for my dear father…
As I softly incanted the words, a heron glided by, its grey body long and lithe.
Over the sea, it sailed effortlessly as the waves moved steadily below, breaking on the rocks.
It was a little unusual, I thought, there aren’t many herons here, not like there are seagulls, and pigeons, and other squawking birds. And that’s why I noticed it. I felt something important about its presence, something that had to do with my dad.
I began to cry even more. My daddy is gone from me, the only dad I have, he’s gone from me, he’s gone.
Flooded with tears, I looked up for a moment and squinted into the distance. As I did, a puff of white appeared on the water’s surface. It was quite far away, but not so far that I couldn’t distinguish it. Then another appeared. And having lived in this place now for some time, and having sat on this bench, I’d learned what those puffs meant. That water-laden mist, blowing up and out of the water is what you see when there are whales. It’s how you know that they’re there under the surface, their huge lungs expelling air. Those puffs are the signs of them, breathing and moving in the deep.
Then as I gazed on, one whale surfaced, breaching, its wide fins visible even at a distance, and that distinctive black and white body, a humpback whale. And then there was another puff, and another, first to the left, then to the right. I cast my vision as wide as I could.
And I thought of my dad, tears running down my cheeks.
And I thought, oh my, there are so many whales, so many…And I kept thinking of my dad, too.
And I noticed a single sailboat, just that one little boat
with its white sails on the vast expanse of ocean, moving slowly in the breeze.
It was at that moment that I began to feel something. I began to sense something, like a kind of presence, but of the most ephemeral sort. I don’t know how to describe this. I can feel it as I’m speaking this to you, but what words to use? It’s a sense of something present and yet, intangible. I asked myself, what is this? What’s going on? And then it slowly came to me… I think my dad is here! I think he's come. He’s come to me over the miles and the seas. He’s found me on the other side of the earth like there's no distance. He’s found me!
And as I speak this to you now, I can feel him. And the feeling of his presence is something simple and easeful. 'Love' is the best word I can think of to describe it. But a kind of love that’s so utterly natural and present and beautiful, I’m at a loss to be able to truly express it. He was near me--but in a completely new way. It was like I was feeling the essence of who he is--something that I didn’t or couldn’t discern when he was in life, in the times we were together, and apart, over the decades. But, now, this feeling was coming to me.
And in that, EVERYTHING fell away - the past, the hurts, the memories - the painful memories, but even the good memories, too. All of it paled; it all evaporated amidst this feeling, this exquisite feeling. And in the most meaningful and poignant way, I realized--and it was a kind of instinctive knowing--that my dad had felt this for me from the very, very beginning.
This was the feeling he ALWAYS had for me.
As I was sensing my dad's presence, I began to see more puffs in the distance, and more whales, and even dolphins arcing out of the water, one and then another, in pairs. I began to imagine the ocean opening so I could peer beneath. How many of these great creatures I’d see, how many dolphins and whales swimming--a whole entire community of them there in the depths!
And as I observed these creatures of the ocean, I kept feeling my dad close and near. Feeling my daddy’s presence, mysterious and compelling, and I began to contemplate....
God has deemed that we come into the world through the people who conceive us, two parents.
That’s simply the way it is.
God the Father and His love. And now, my dear father and his love,
sublime and unspeakably beautiful.
And this feeling is why parents are God-given to us.
So as I was sitting there, feeling all this, my tears of grief began to turn to tears of joy.
And I began to sense something in the cells of my body, like my cells--my body in its very substance--was being completed.
It was being completed and made whole because of my dad’s presence and his love.
I was coming to rest in myself. I was finally becoming myself.
Way back when I was young, my life stretching out before me, still unknown and waiting to be discovered--but fraught with confusion and pain--I wrote a poem. I was 14 years old. And it's about rising from the depths of the ocean to finally find the air, the freedom, to find one’s self home. I hadn’t thought of that poem for some time, but sitting there, feeling my daddy’s presence and watching the whales,
I remembered it.
Here is a part of that poem. It's called, "The Sea."
"Down in the depths...
Glowing in the emerald sea-light,
The carbonations sweep 'round me
Traveling as one.
Only that I may live in their caressing whirlpools...
As I do, my thoughts bounce among the playful bubbles.
I wish to touch every one,
To hold each illuminated globe.
But still, I must seek finality in one single, special sphere.
And with it, sanctuary from the searching, swirling currents.
Enclosing it, finding the warmth of its rainbow radiance.
I add my glow to the illumination.
I enclose it, and become enclosed,
And with the tiny pocket of sea breeze,
Rise steadily to the surface."
As I recalled that poem, I contemplated the translucent blue-green stillness of the ocean’s depths. And I contemplated the feeling of my daddy’s love, abiding and reassuring, like that pocket of sea breeze.
As I sat on that bench, feeling my dad so close and near, I recalled his life and mine. For a few moments, my mind conjured past events and memories. But no words or images, or even memories, could do justice to what I was feeling with him now. I began to think--the essence of a person is so sublimely beautiful, that nothing can approximate or express it.
And then I thought of the Jewish religion, which is my lineage, through my father and mother, and I recalled how it’s forbidden to create images of God, or even to spell out His name. I contemplated that…because God’s nature is beyond words, beyond images. Nothing can approach or describe Him, his nature is infinite and sublime. And God has created us in his own likeness. That’s our nature, too!
My dearest dad was revealing this to me, in his bringing
to me this feeling, so beautiful and near.
So, after hearing of my dad’s passing, in my far-flung place on the earth, this is what happened--everything I've described to you here. My dad has come, he’s come to me. And now I can feel in my heart that my dad loved me from the very, very beginning. And for that my dearest Dad, I am eternally grateful. Your presence and your love are completing me, the greatest gift I can imagine, the gift of coming home to myself, so I can rise from the depths in the way I’d sensed was possible all those years ago.
And as I sat on my bench, overlooking the sparkling ocean, the waves a translucent blue-green, crashing below, one after the other, over the rocks, as I watched the whales from there upon the high cliff, their puffs of moist sea-breath appearing,
I began to feel that heaven is right here on this earth, in the feeling my father has brought,
and in all that’s spread out before me.
And there on that cliff, I began to imagine, what if the whole world felt this. What if no matter the circumstances or pain or hurt or past, we could see the truth of who each of us truly is--a human being cast in the likeness of God,
made of a kind of love that’s unspeakably beautiful.
So, I'll end with a piece of music. Of all the pieces I’ve played on the piano, my daddy’s favorite is called, “Canon in D.” It’s by a composer named Johan Pachelbel. Perhaps you know it, or will recognize it when you hear it. That is my dad’s very favorite one. He loves it so much, and he'd always ask me to play it for him. And so, here is that beautiful piece, played for my dearest dad, whom I cherish beyond measure, now and forever more…
